Odin is 4 years old. Cyrus is 2 years old. Gwen is 31 years old. I am older than all three put together.
We are doing great and wish you all a happy Christmas. I’ve implemented a new feature in this version and I think it will help some people who don’t get the big words, or the new ones I make up. It’s a SUMMARY after every paragraph! What this provides is a quick synopsis[1] (see, there’s one of those big words, sorry) of the preceding (again, sorry) paragraph and allows you to put some of the words in the SUMMARY sections together to form a Xmas story. I’ll start an example for you at the end of this letter.
SUMMARY: Big words, synopsis, gist, (see how clear that makes it—I’m a freakin’ genius)
This is the first Christmas card/letter/obligation some of you are receiving from the Myersesses’. This isn’t going to be another depressing letter about Aunt Lucy breaking her hip, or cousin Timmy getting busted for soliciting prostitutes, because for the most part I hardly even mention prostitutes. Every other year I drop a quick disclaimer like what I’m doing now,… sorta like a preapology[2] (sometimes I make up words and talk about poo, so be aware) so that the newbies can build their discontent for me up front rather than wasting a couple more friendly visits and really learning to hate me. And this is important-- you shouldn’t blame my family for this type of letter because they have nothing to do with it—blame me. You’ve been made aware, but more importantly I don’t have to feel bad for offending anyone.
SUMMARY: Goofy newsletter, might offend, hate me not my family, blame me, prostitutes, poo.
Not much new with us this year so I’ll try to keep it short, I tend to run on and on and on and on and on and—what? Ok, I got some new underwear a few weeks ago and they feel fantastic. I never really had good underwear, but these ones I got on right now are more like wearing a cushy cloud of soft, silky goodness- very refreshing- and it’s not just because they’re clean. Speaking of clean, man Gwen’s still lookin’ hot! Not like she hasn’t before and not that my taste for hotness has waned, she’s just beautiful and hot…man, she’s hot. She’s like a hot day in a hot summer where the ground is all hot and melts the gooey tar stuff. Yeah, that hot.
SUMMARY: New underwear, comfortable gonads, Gwen’s hot, she’s hot, hot.
What’s new with us? Well, let’s see-- We did a lot of work on the house- boring, boring, snoring. Ummm, Oh yeah, did you see the family picture of us with that idiot wearing shorts? Geez, what a clown, if you didn’t get a gratuitous[3] Christmas photo of us that says, “look-at-my-family-and-how-perfectly-happy-we-are-at-this-exact-moment-in-time-ignore-the-fact-that-my-wife-beats-me-I-smell-like-butt-and-old-cheese-all-the-time-our-kids-eat-play-doh-and-boogers-and-behind-these-fake-smiles-are-sadness-shame-and-a-longingness-to-be-liked”, then you aren’t missing anything except a good picture of Gwen. Man, she’s hot.
SUMMARY: Family picture, idiot, clown, photo that says we’re better than you, Gwen’s hot.
Gilligan and Skipper are still good pups, in spite of the flatulence and seizures, they’re still protecting the home, eating, pooping, eating that poop, and then pooping again. Gilligan has lost 20 pounds since we put him on a diet. I may author a book on this canine diet plan I invented called, “The Canine Diet Plan I Invented”, because it really works. I can’t give too much detail here or it’ll ruin my book but the basics of it are so simple. Through a few weeks of what some people might call “neglect”, you simply neglect to feed them in the morning and give them water at night. If they do snack, and you will catch them on counters, in garbage cans, eating diapers, and other knick-knacks we call ‘unmentionables’, you casually insert behavioral corrections in the form of smooth, light, but multiple, taps on the nose with a ball peen hammer or any object near you made of steel, or that is sharp. THAT’s IT! Just this proper diet and a few weeks of training and some follow up healing and Gilligan has slimmed down to a healthy weight, cowering demeanor, and a shiny blood-pinkish coat.
SUMMARY: Dogs eating poop, diet plan, neglect to feed, ball peen beatings, healing.
Odin played indoor soccer this last September. Well, he really just used his Spider ring to shoot other kids with webs and only kicked the ball about 5 times in all 8 games. I helped coach this ‘team’ to a 0-8 season with 0 goals scored- very proud. Some parents said Odin probably didn’t participate because he was too young and doesn’t necessarily understand the rules. I said it was just because they were all really terrible at soccer. However, after only 3 sessions of therapy, I understand what that quack psychologist was saying. He said Odin suffered from anxiety and withdrew out of fear or something like that because of my yelling, spitting and wetting myself on the field. I never yelled or spat, and there is no way you can tell I wet myself with these new underwear on. I’m telling you… silky goodness. I was fired from coaching and probably should be from parenting – neither one a bad idea.
SUMMARY: Odin has work to do in soccer, I’ve been fired from coaching, silky goodness.
We thought we would try an individual sport so we enrolled Odin in gymnastics! He really enjoys it and we have some good video I was able to take through a window from the parking lot—well, behind a tree at the end of the parking lot next to a fire ant nest, what with the restraining order and all. The pictures are grainy and jittery from the fleeing, but I got some good shots of him in there. He’s really good at following directions and has more of a knack for this than he did for soccer. He’s also bigger than most kids a year or two older than him so he’s a little bit more uncoordinated than the teachers expect. But geez, with that head of his it’s like watching a lollipop cartwheel down the matt. His head kinda becomes the fulcrum and the rest of his limbs flail around his head like a spinning jellyfish. For education, we tried home schooling him but he outgrew our knowledge in about four weeks (four if you count paid time off). He is in pre-school right now 3 days a week and he seems to be learning quite a bit. Odin has a fascinating imagination and is a very funny person.
SUMMARY: Odin is doing gymnastics, fire ant bites on my bum, cartwheeling lollipop, smart, imaginative, funny.
Cyrus is very smart! I know you all think your kids are the cutest or the smartest or the fattest, but the fact is—Cyrus is the smartest 2 year old you’ll ever know. I’m serious, he knew the entire alphabet before he turned 2 AND he even knows other letters and numbers we’ve never even heard of! Genius, I’m telling you, this kids going to be in special classes and I’m not talking about the classes in the trailers outside the main school. I’m talking about smart-guy school—the kind of schools that charge you money and take the kids for months at a time so the parents can’t infect them with idiocy, … of which we have plenty, thank you very much. I say we send him because it’s best for him and for a few months it’s one less mouth to feed and slap. However, I’ve got this crack habit so we’ll most likely save the money and stick him in normal not-so-smart kid school with your kids.
SUMMARY: Cyrus is smart, private school, no way-regular school, crack.
Cyrus is the cutest little fella, and funnier than Mikky on stilts trying to get on a ride at Wild Waves and still not being “as tall as this sign in order to ride”. We love family night, which is every night, laughing at each other. He can count to 20 (in a row), knows his alphabet by memory and by sight, says please and thank you and 6 or 7 German words. He also likes to play basketball and is quite good in the miniature leagues. You’ve gotta talk to this kid when you get a chance, he’s cute and funny.
SUMMARY: Cyrus is cute, Mikky is short, laughing, counting, basketball, funny.
Gwen is a bit out-numbered and out of her league what with the farting barrage that can happen with 2 dogs and 3 boys in the house. You’ve heard it all before about guys and their simple minds being easily amused by farting and poop humor. It’s my favorite, ‘cause pooping’s funny, and it’s not only my duty (get it? duty- doody?) to educate my boys on this but it’s something I’m good at, have frequent access to, and requires very little instruction. But Gwen runs a very clean and loving home in spite of the disasters I’m trying to make. She works from the home doing medical billing, runs Odin to school and gymnastics, runs Cyrus to school, goes to the gym to work out (did I tell you she was hot? She’s hot!), cooks excellent dinners—and I’m not just saying that because I want it to continue—they are really good and healthy meals. She cleans, does the laundry, teaches our kids…. Geez, what the hell do I do? I’m moving on.
SUMMARY: Brad doesn’t do anything around the house, ashamed.
I’m still gaining weight, still working on house projects and just happy to be in my new underwear. I ride my dirt bike when I’m not sitting on the couch neglecting house work. Sometimes I read to the boys, other times I play with them, but not any house work like dishes or laundry…Wow, I certainly wouldn’t have married me. But then I always come through with some warm thought that saves my marriage for another year. Usually it’s something sappy in a Christmas letter about how special she is to me or how much we laugh and just something about how good my life really is. I’ve even said something to the effect that if we were offered the “Indecent Proposal” like in that movie with Robert Redford, that I’d step right up to Mr. Redford and point a bony finger at his nose and say, “Make it 1.5 million.” ‘Cause I love her that much.
SUMMARY: Brad’s a loser, Brad neglects chores, Brad is lucky to be married, Brad loves Gwen more than fish love water- no, more than Brad loves Twinkies- no, more than…whatever connection you want to make, but it still won’t be enough.
We hope you all have a great Christmas and I really can’t sell this enough: clean, new underwear ---go get some!
OVERALL SUMMARY XMAS STORY I PROMISED YOU:
One Christmas day, the prostitute was picking up her underwear when she found a goofy newsletter. The headline read, “Gwen’s hot!” but next to this headline was a family picture with a clown and some idiot holding a ball peen hammer standing next to a dog eating poop. The prostitute had just been fired, but she was late for her gymnastics class, and she needed some more crack….
Never mind, it’s getting thin and a little off the Christmas topic, but you get the idea….Hope you enjoyed our Brad’s Christmas letter.
[1] syn·op·sis A brief outline or general view, as of a subject or written work; an abstract or a summary.
[2] Preapology An apology before something. Do I really need to do this?
[3] gra·tu·i·tous Unnecessary or unwarranted. That’s the last one, you really need to open a book once in a while- no more footnotes!