Merry Christmas 2010
From Brad, Gwen, Odin, Cyrus, and Drake Myers
What was new? I didn’t write a letter last year. I was being fat and lazy, which is what I would have written about anyway, so I figured; why waste my time when the lazy thing was working for me? So this year the letter is going to be longer, which sucks for you because they were already too long to begin with. The good news is that by the time you’re finished—you’ll have learned and gained nothing. Enjoy!
What’s new now? Drake is 4, Cyrus 8, Odin 10, Gwen more than that but less than my 44. Drake is smart and happy, Cyrus is anxious to get back to playing, Odin is the voice of reason, Gilligan and Skipper are still alive, Gwen does everything, and I continue to take up space.
Drake is smart, funny, and as cute as a button (if a button farted, pointed at you and said, “That was my butt dad!”). He’s in pre-K ($170/month), swimming ($30/month), eats and drinks (maybe another $50/month?) and care to guess what his take home pay is? Anyone? Anyone? ZERO, that’s right, nothing. He still loves trains, Lego’s, and writing. He can write his name and a bunch of other “letters” but they’re really just stupid scribbles. Listen, there is no money in kid trains, Lego’s, or writing (for more on bad writing, continue reading and see “I” later in this document). We’ve been recording him when he says new things. Some of my favorites are, “Oh, snap!” or “You’re ruining my plan!” or “Don’t tell monkey”. All of those are from movies or television shows because our nanny, “Panasonic”, does a great job of keeping him busy. It’s not bad parenting it’s more like management by absence. He’s independent, works well alone or with others in a group environment, motivated to succeed, and readily available. References available upon request. His current skill set includes; wiping alone to near completion, multi-tasking (farting and giggling), and writing letters that make no sense--- sound familiar?
Drake—he’s a perfect addition to this family and he’s funnier than we are, and certainly smarter. He’s a great character, very happy, and available for hire. But I’d never sell and you couldn’t afford him.
Cyrus, or Humpty Dumpty as he can now be called, fell from a loft and fractured his skull this summer. I’m going to point you to my blog for something I wrote about it (http://paidtopoop.blogspot.com/p/cyrus-loft-drop.html). Yeah, that seems pretentious, but it’s better than me typing and crying it again. He’s “Cyrus’ing” more each day, so that’s good. He’ll be just fine as long as we parent better. He’s smart, funny, cute as a Drake, and just big enough to still curl into a ball and carry him away. He likes to climb the rock wall, and he knits (yeah I admitted it). He likes tennis and ping pong, but he’s adept at video games which have the potential to be a lucrative career but do you care to guess what his W2 looks like for this year? Anyone? Anyone? Yep, same as Drake’s. He’ll be able to start recess again in February which will coincide nicely with our worrying and over protecting him and yelling at other kids that don’t watch out for him. Cyrus is also available for work and he’s highly motivated but specializes in thumb-to-hardware manipulation and its effects on images generated over a glass covered plasma surface.
Cyrus—he’s a perfect kid with imperfect parents and we’re lucky he loves us almost as much as we love him. He’s another person around here that always makes me smile and I love to kiss his forehead because it makes him giggle. But now I kiss his right temple—he still giggles, but I silently sigh and wish for a different time.
Odin is still so kind, sweet, polite, courteous, and a good person in every way. He treats his brothers with respect and is patient with them. He teaches them things, keeps them safe, and shares his stuff and life experiences to help them be well rounded brothers. Geez, those things are all true…I’ve just realized he’s doing my job. Odin is also a relentless defender in soccer, has many good friends to play with, and still loves Lego’s. He’s still surprising us with some amazing structures that he creates from his many, many Lego’s. So many Lego’s. Wow, if I had a nickel for every Lego piece we had I’d… Wait a minute—Let’s just say this; If I had every nickel back for every Lego piece we bought, I could stop selling my body fluids to make ends meet. Odin is also available for any jobs you have that require small scale construction. Perhaps you have a yard gnome that needs a castle to live in: Odin can build it. He’s also skilled with interior design work such as secluded bunkers built from patterned cloth draped over common furniture.
Odin— he’s another perfect kid and his sense of humor and friendship is valuable to everyone. He has a level head that keeps the rest of us in check and he’s incredibly creative. Chris Koch and David Hunt were kids I grew up with that I wanted to be like because they seemed perfect. Odin is on top of that list now and he lives right here… Even better than that: I own him.
Gilligan and Skipper yeah, still around. Weird. So Gilligan has cataracts and is going deaf but still farts like an old deaf dog who farts really bad (I was gonna say, … farts like a trucker attached to a chili IV, but that’s not nice to truckers and who am I to think they fart worse than me if I was hooked up to a chili IV? Actually, we should have chili IVs, not sure why I hadn’t thought of that before now). Anywho… I think Gilligan lost his sense of smell too because a few months ago he’d drop a room-clearer from under his tail and he’d actually get up and leave the room because the smell bothered him. Now he just lays there in his own stink while we accuse each other until one of us yells at him—but he can’t hear us. He’s so happy.
Skipper still has those awesome growths on his left side and some on his chest. The vet still says they are fine as long as they aren’t bothering him. I know they aren’t bothering him because I ask him… You know what he does when I ask him? He just sits back and licks himself. It’s mockery. He knows I can’t do that because he’s caught me trying. So now he just uses that to piss me off. Everybody feels sorry for him and the deaf one. My family feels bad for the way I write about our dogs, but ask Gwen what she thinks when they release their anal glands on clean laundry or ask any of our kids what the dogs names are, they don’t know! Helen Keller and Lumpy?
Gilligan and Skipper—They’ve always been fantastic pets and loved every day regardless of what I write about them. They were brought into our family pre-kids as a test to whether we could be responsible enough to have kids. We certainly failed that test but these pups have taught our family about unconditional love that most people lie about having. Dogs have it. Gilligan and Skipper live it and we’re lucky they still do.
Gwen continues to do everything around here for everybody while still maintaining a full time job. In addition, she organized family trips to
A few months into our dating, I said something like, “The newness will eventually wear off and we’ll be happy, we just might not feel the way we do now.” I know, total turn-on words, right? I know how to work the ladies. But Gwen quickly replied, “I think it will always feel this way.” Gwen doesn’t lie, and 16 years later it does still feel that way. (BTW—“that way” means, happy and all things good,… you got that, right? I have to make sure because I talk myself in circles sometimes or I’m not clear and put my foot in my mouth. That’s weird, “my foot in my mouth” I wish I could do that-- not for the taste but because of the other flexible options that implies).
Gwen—she’s the perfect person to me and way ahead in terms of likeability. I spend my days trying to catch up and be the best I can for her. She’s raised some great children and continues to be active in their education and activities. She’s a fun mom to our kids’ friends and throws awesome birthday and Halloween parties. Finally, since I got on Facebook I’ve been exposed to some cool terms I don’t fully know the meaning of like “lol” and “lmao” but the one I use to describe Gwen that seems to get the most reaction from people is “milf”. I think it’s about milk and how it’s good for bones but spelled wrong to show that not everyone is perfect…? Am I close? Well, I think she is perfect so I’m going to start calling her a “milk”.
I still write really long xmas letters, sorry. Nothing interesting with me and we’re out of room. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Well, not all of you, but most of you…
From our happy family to yours, we wish you a Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year
The Myers Family
No comments:
Post a Comment